The Dreaded Man-Flu
Well, it's now day 6 of my man-flu siege. Coughing, sneezing, runny nose, burning eyes...I have it all. If I were a character on The Walking Dead, I would want to know where Carol is at all times!
But what exactly is a man-flu? Be prepared, because what I'm about to tell you isn't pretty at all. In fact, it's horrifying!
Man-flu is a debilitating disorder that indiscriminately strikes down male members of the human species. It attacks suddenly, without any type of warning. The illness is often referred to unfairly by females of the species who are in fact immune from the illness as the common cold. If you have it, you know there is nothing common about it! Each case is as individual as its victim. If man-flu is kind enough not to kill the infected party, it will absolutely leave him weak, sick, hurting everywhere and in dire need of affection.
Because man-flu only strikes the XY chromosome, women are completely immune to it. This makes them the perfect caregivers, but it also makes them suspect that it is simply not a real disease. They will see it as simply a cold and urge you to man up or go find your balls. They just have no idea exactly how horrible it can be!
Yes, women experience pain, but even childbirth is over and done with in a few hours. Man-flu can last for weeks on end. Without proper care, 23 hours of rest per day, every cold and flu remedy on the market, vats of chicken soup and most importantly, constant attention by the caregiver, this disease can quickly overtake a man. More men die from man-flu every year than anyone suspects! The causes are always listed as a heart attack, but it is the man-flu that brings it on.
Just imagine carrying something that deadly in your body. Men would love nothing more than to wake up and go to work, but they need to remember how easily they can infect an entire city like Manhatten, Los Angeles or Miami with just a few uncovered sneezes.
History shows us now that the Roman Empire was in fact, brought down by the man-flu. Marcus Snotticus, a wine vendor, went to work with a man-flu. The rest is history. The Lost Settlement of Roanoke? Same thing. Man-flu decimated the men in the village, leaving the women and children to be eaten by cougars, bears and beavers.
Still, even with all of these facts, the female of the species suspects that men are just fishing for sympathy. Absolutely not true! No man would sink so low!
As primary caregiver, they often shirk their responsibilities or respond to requests with rolled eyes, smirks and exasperated WTF's thrown at the helpless male. The truth of the matter is, that is is very easy to bring a man from death's door and back to the living. All the female has to do is simply sit there, ensuring that soup and orange juice are readily available, mollycoddling and hemming are quickly administered and most importantly, making the man feel understood.
With no reference towards the crippling effects of this disease, many women are unable to follow the last need adequately. Their best bet is to join a support group where they can learn the many traits and symptoms man-flu carries.
In short, the survival of the male is left entirely in the hands of those who understand his illness the least. Perhaps, with help from a few survivors, I could write a book detailing the proper and correct care for a man held in the grip of this horrible fate.
If you have survived man-flu, I urge you to send me your stories. Let me know how you survived and if your girlfriend/wife had anything to do with it. Also, let me know if they are still with you or if they've run off into the night.
If you have man-flu, don't panic. True, it is just a roll of the dice that determines your survivability, but there are studies and tests being done every day. With just a bit of time and patience, we could start seeing some breakthroughs within the next two hundred years.
While we ait, I'll get to work on that book...
But what exactly is a man-flu? Be prepared, because what I'm about to tell you isn't pretty at all. In fact, it's horrifying!
Man-flu is a debilitating disorder that indiscriminately strikes down male members of the human species. It attacks suddenly, without any type of warning. The illness is often referred to unfairly by females of the species who are in fact immune from the illness as the common cold. If you have it, you know there is nothing common about it! Each case is as individual as its victim. If man-flu is kind enough not to kill the infected party, it will absolutely leave him weak, sick, hurting everywhere and in dire need of affection.
Because man-flu only strikes the XY chromosome, women are completely immune to it. This makes them the perfect caregivers, but it also makes them suspect that it is simply not a real disease. They will see it as simply a cold and urge you to man up or go find your balls. They just have no idea exactly how horrible it can be!
Yes, women experience pain, but even childbirth is over and done with in a few hours. Man-flu can last for weeks on end. Without proper care, 23 hours of rest per day, every cold and flu remedy on the market, vats of chicken soup and most importantly, constant attention by the caregiver, this disease can quickly overtake a man. More men die from man-flu every year than anyone suspects! The causes are always listed as a heart attack, but it is the man-flu that brings it on.
Just imagine carrying something that deadly in your body. Men would love nothing more than to wake up and go to work, but they need to remember how easily they can infect an entire city like Manhatten, Los Angeles or Miami with just a few uncovered sneezes.
History shows us now that the Roman Empire was in fact, brought down by the man-flu. Marcus Snotticus, a wine vendor, went to work with a man-flu. The rest is history. The Lost Settlement of Roanoke? Same thing. Man-flu decimated the men in the village, leaving the women and children to be eaten by cougars, bears and beavers.
Still, even with all of these facts, the female of the species suspects that men are just fishing for sympathy. Absolutely not true! No man would sink so low!
As primary caregiver, they often shirk their responsibilities or respond to requests with rolled eyes, smirks and exasperated WTF's thrown at the helpless male. The truth of the matter is, that is is very easy to bring a man from death's door and back to the living. All the female has to do is simply sit there, ensuring that soup and orange juice are readily available, mollycoddling and hemming are quickly administered and most importantly, making the man feel understood.
With no reference towards the crippling effects of this disease, many women are unable to follow the last need adequately. Their best bet is to join a support group where they can learn the many traits and symptoms man-flu carries.
In short, the survival of the male is left entirely in the hands of those who understand his illness the least. Perhaps, with help from a few survivors, I could write a book detailing the proper and correct care for a man held in the grip of this horrible fate.
If you have survived man-flu, I urge you to send me your stories. Let me know how you survived and if your girlfriend/wife had anything to do with it. Also, let me know if they are still with you or if they've run off into the night.
If you have man-flu, don't panic. True, it is just a roll of the dice that determines your survivability, but there are studies and tests being done every day. With just a bit of time and patience, we could start seeing some breakthroughs within the next two hundred years.
While we ait, I'll get to work on that book...
Comments
Post a Comment